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Sex and the Modern Vampire
This recycled humor was posted by dennyw on alt.callahans.
THE PROS AND CONS OF DATING A VAMPIRE
Pro:
Long relationships
Allowed to stay out late
Easy weight loss
Centuries of experience
Immune to all venereal diseases
Always has amazing stamina
Loves neck nibbling
Rarely interested in arguing religion
Never comes home with garlic breath
Don't have to worry about what color of clothes to wear.
Con:
Spend your time in a hypnotic daze
Parents can be hell
You always feel tired (loss of blood)
Oral sex can be lethal
Always has cold feet (and blood)
Never able to spend the day in bed
Pet names that give you chills
Strange friends
Giggles at funerals
Hard to win an argument
No romantic sunsets
May forget own strength during orgasm
THE TOP 15 COMPLAINTS OF MODERN DAY VAMPIRES:
15. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
14. Nutrasweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
13. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
12. Three Words: Daylight Savings Time
11. Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, "Look Ma! It's Elvis!"
10. After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find
clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
09. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
08. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
07. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
06. No warm blood for miles around DC.
05. Exhausted from all those Calvin Klein photo shoots.
04. No small task beating F. Lee Bailey to a warm body.
03. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
02. Baboon heart makes everything taste gamey.
01. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.*
*See http://www.keithrichards.com/, if you dare.
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