Canonical List of Redneck Jokes

You're Probably a Redneck If,...

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
You've ever used lard in bed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can loose them or not.
you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is mobile!
You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
"Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might Be A Redneck" (or this posting) ;-)

WARNING: IF TWO OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU.... YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...

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+ (Non-US Red Neck Joke...)

There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new zealand farm, and in a back
paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep. The farmer says
"Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep" and the New Zealander
replies "get Stuffed - I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone.
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+ (Non-US Red Neck Joke...)

An Australian is visiting a New Zealand Farm, and the farmer shows him
round the chook sheds, the pig pens, the paddocks. Finally he points to a
tree about 30 meters away and tells the Aussie - "Under that tree is where
I first had sex". Then he points to another tree and says "..and thats
where her mother stood and watched us". The Australian gasps "What did she
say?" "BAAAAAaaaaaaaa
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+
What is the difference between a redneck and a good old boy?
A redneck piches his beer cans on the side of the road and a good old boy
throws them in the back of his truck.
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+
Welcome to , where the men are men and the
sheep are afraid!

Welcome to , where the men are men, the
sheep are afraid and the lambs say "Daaaaaaady"
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+
Q:  How do you castrate a hill billy?

A:  Kick his sister in the jaw!
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+
Q: Why do True RedNecks Wear Button Fly Jeans?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers!!
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+
Soon after completing trucking school, Billy Bob goes in to take the test
to get his CDL (commercial driver's license). Since ol' Bill was brought
up in the finest Arkansas school system, he can't read very well, so the test
is administered orally. He paid attention in trucking school, though,
and he answers all of the questions quickly and correctly--up until the
last one.

"You're starting down a steep incline at 55mph, when you notice a schoolbus
 full of children stalled, blocking the road at the bottom. What do you do?

Billy Bob sits there for a minute, not answering.

"You're a quarter of the way down the hill, doing 75mph. What're you gonna do?

Again, Billy Bob doesn't answer.

"You're HALF-WAY down the hill, doing 85mph! What're you going to do?"

Still no answer.

"You're THREE QUARTERS of the way down the hill. You're doing NINETY-FIVE
MILES PER HOUR. WHAT are you GOING to do!?!?"

Billy Bob looks up. "I'm going to wake up ol' Shep."

The tester looks up, astonished. "Wake up old Shep?"

"Yep. Shep ain't never seen a wreck like we're about to have."
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--
+
 Read the following:  If you get it, then you read it correctly, and you
are probably a redneck.   If you don't get it, you didn't read it right...
Which means you aren't a redneck... Ask me, and I'll explain it. (9 out of
10 probably won't get it...)    jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil

M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R  C M WANGS
L I B  M R DUCKS

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---------
+
        Trying desperately to establish the reliability and good character
of his witness, the public defender asked the boy:

"Bubba-Joe...,  would ya'll please tell th-court...., is yer wid-ud mamma
depedant on you?"

        To which Bubba-Joe answered with a big 'ole smile:
"She Shore is..., Why Iff'n Ah didn go pick up the warsh'n an bring it home...
 The 'ole lady'd starve ta death..."

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+
Joe and Jim-Bob went out hunting, and that night, siting around the campfire,
they're drinking a bunch of beer... Well, as will happen, they both had to
take a piss, and wondered out into the woods to take a leak.  Joe looks over
At Jim-Bob and says:
 "I Shore wish I had one like mah cuzin Junior... He needs four fingers ta
  hold his..."
Jim-Bob looks over and points out: "but you're usin' four fingers on yer's"
To wich Joe Replies witha sigh: "Yep, but A'hm pee'n on three of 'em..."

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+

Q: Why do Rednecks `do it' doggie-style?

A: So they can both watch WWF.
A: So they don't have to look at each other.
A: So when the guy closes his eyes he can pretend it's `Bessy' (Daddy's cow)
A: It distributes the wieght better.

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+

Q: Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
A: The farm animals can't handle it.

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+

Two Rednecks working on a cattle farm, Junior and Bo...

Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't wait till we start the cattle drive..."
Bo: "Yep, out on the range... Jest you an me an dem cows..."
Junior: "uh-hu... and wait till we take'em cross the river... Imagine it!"
Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin' dem cows cross the river, keepin'em safe..."
Junior: "Yeah, an watchin'em all come out of the river all wet an shivering..."

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+
        Did you hear about the rednecck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
        She can't touch it till she's fourteen...

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+
Gomer's cousin John is visiting from up north, and Gomer decides to take
him hunting... show how `real-men' live... and they're out in the woods looking
for deer, when what should run across the clearing in front of them but a
lovely blonde, starke naked!

"Oh my God!" said John, licking his lips in anticipation... already miserable
out in the woods. "How I would love to eat the delectable creature!"

So Gomer shot her...

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+

New Best sellers according to the Knoxville Tennesse Gazzette:

"Fourteen Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)
and
"Fourteen Days in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn

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Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: The good ol' boy raises livestock.  The redneck gets emotionally involved.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        You know you're wife is a redneck when...
        ... she substitutes bacon grease for olive oil in the pesto
            sauce.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
        --Jeff Foxworthy, "You Might Be a Redneck..."

Jeff: "One time the bank repossesed my car because I didn't make a payment on
       it for a little over a year. A man showed up at my door and said,"

"Mr.  Foxworthy, if you don't give me $500, the Camaro is going with me."

Jeff: I got mad. "Five hundred dollars? Who keeps that kind of cash around?"

"You mean you can't write me a check Mr. Foxworthy?"

Jeff: "No, I can't...a CHECK?   Oh, I thought you wanted MONEY. Hell, I'l
       just pay the whole thing off right now."

 "I want to be a Congressman when I grow up."
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-

Q: "What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?"
A:  Nice tooth!
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-

Q: What's the Georgia state bird?
A: The mosquito.
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--

Q: What do you call a virgin in Kentucky?
A: A girl who can out run her Brothers...
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-

Billy-Joe, and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her a way to his
daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic `nature honeymoon'...

He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue
whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, his little bride softly shakes her head...

Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into
his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes
inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....

 His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"

Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue
an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man'
afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"

His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in re-assurance, and says "SON, Ya
done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure
as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In most places, the day After Christmas and the day after Thanksgiving are
the busiest shopping days... but not in Arkansas....  Thier's is what ever
time K-mart has thier "Whites" sale...
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Q: Where do redneck meet chicks?
A: At family barbecues of course.
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Q: What is a redneck's definition of weather?
A: Relative humidity.
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Q: What's the first thing a redneck does when his pick-up truck breaks down?
A: Builds a house!
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Q: What's the Tennesse state tree?
Q: The telephone pole.
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       One day a daughter went to her father to ask him for some money to
buy a Prom dress.  After thinking about it for awhile & having the
daughter beg profusely, he finally gives in and says, "Alright, but you
know what you gotta do!!!"  The daughter replies, "Yes, yes, I know."
       So the daughter unzips her father's pants and starts sucking his
dick.  After a little while her face grimaces & she looks up to her father
& says, "This tastes like SHIT!!!"  To that the father replies, "Oh, your
brother wanted to take the car to Prom."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These three tough rednecks were sitting around the
campfire talking about just who was the toughest.

The first redneck says:

Well I'm so tough, once when I was out gathering wood, this
coyote jumped me from behind.  Well I just grabbed him by the neck
with my left hand and choked him to death.

The second redneck says:

Hell, that ain't nothing.  Once when I was up on the trail with
my horse Thunder this big ol' grizzly bear comes out of the woods
with hunger in his eyes.  He chomps down and rips of my left arm.
Well this really gets my riled up so I grab my arm from his mouth
with my right arm and beat the danged grizzly to death with it.

The third redneck sits quitely stirring up the fire with his
dick.....

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--

If Tennesse were to seceede from the Union, it would be the third
largest nuclear power in the world  (Tennesse Valley Authority, enough Watts
To make all of North America Glow...)
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--

This joke comes from the likes of a New England business office, secretaries
at coffee break:.

One of the secretaries was going on vacation to experience what she called
`the three true wonders of the world'.  She told her fellow secretaries
that she wanted to eat a "corn fed" steak, see the Rocky Mountains, and to
do the nasty with a cowboy!

(Three Weeks later):
The secretary returned today from her vacation...The first question asked by
her fellow secretaries was, 'so how was he?'  She told them that the Rocky
Mountains were the most beautiful sight in the world.  Again they asked, 'so
how was he?'  She replied by saying that she had never had a better steak in
her life.  Finally repeating their question, 'so how was he?' she said ...
well I really couldn't tell you because I got scared when I saw the size of
rubbers (can of chewing tabacco) that they were carrying in their back pockets!

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--

There was a country girl who finally found a good job in
the city.  One night, shortly after arriving in the city,
she was invited to a very exclusive party.  She didn't
know anyone, so she was trying to find someone to talk to,
when she saw an elegantly-dressed lady standing alone.
She approached the lady and said, "Where are you from?"
The lady gave an indignant look and said, "Well!  Where I
am from, we DON'T end our sentences with a preposition.
The young girl thought about it and replied, "Oh, well,
where are you from, bitch?"
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--

Q: What do you call a RedNeck with a third grade education?
A: Perfessor



Many Thanx To:
wildcat@niwot.scd.ucar.EDU           | tjbowman@ingr.com
joeshmoe@world.std.com               | anon152b@nyx10.cs.du.edu
gt0603f@prism.gatech.EDU             | kevin@cook.tivoli.com
druffner@cymbal.aix.calpoly.edu      | kai@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca
DUNNTM@UCBEH.SAN.UC.EDU              | dupree@uhcl4
messina@engin.umich.edu              | ccwhite@students.wisc.edu
psyre@netcom.com                     | tlander2@ingr.com
Byron.Kidd@its.utas.edu.au           | aashley@eis.calstate.edu
callison@mailhost.ecn.uoknor.edu     | ssnider@csc.bcm.tmc.edu
egore@sage.cc.purdue.edu             | bob@tis.com
lhuynh@motown.ge.com                 | oopcv@terra.oscs.montana.edu
jgacker@neptune.gsfc.nasa.gov        | ed@prometheus.nucmed.buffalo.edu
Lalith.Subramanian@Barra.COM         | bill@mik.uky.edu
gappaej@po.NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu  | ECL4LOP@MVS.OAC.UCLA.EDU
drb8064@silver.sdsmt.edu             | rcsmith@whale.st.usm.edu
BPOPIEL@GONZAGA.EDU                  | maherrer@dante.nmsu.edu
umbryan@cc.umanitoba.ca              | lahuisje@student.msu.edu
callison@ecn.uoknor.edu              | bpopiel@gonzaga.edu
MDP6871@VXC.OCIS.UNCWIL.EDU          | u934132@student.canberra.edu.au
Pratt_George_B@Lilly.com             |

and special thanx to:

Jeff Foxworthy who did the first "You Might Be a Redneck" and made me laugh!